20.10.14

Offline

I miss my pre-internet life, to be exact.


The compassionate talk about the meaning of life and how bogus is people's picturesque life in social media nowadays, with my boyfriend last night left us with a tough yet thorough decision to make: taking a vacation from social media. Taking a vacation from social media means that we are logging off from our social media routine, well mostly those social media that we constantly check on our phone. Yep, those social media which home feed's we compulsively scroll through with our thumb, whilst putting emotions and comments. We decided to make the most of our blogs by posting things or writing our mind out rather than just post things like; what are we listening, where we have our lunch, who are we with, and etc. Taking a step back into the traditional way is good for the soul.

Today is my first day without posting anything on a particular social media platform which i usually scroll through the moment i woke up, just to see updates of people's activities, who were they with, what are they watching, listening and all of those things that somehow you want and don't want to see. I can't really get myself out of it, but last night's talk with Ryan changed everything. Seriously though, i know i'm not the only one who felt that today's social media is overwhelming. From what i've learned in one of my compulsory psychology course this semester, social media creates tension to the society. Depression, Fear and Anxiety arise because the compulsive use of social media. People started to use social media as a medium to boast, even worse a deceptive boast ( yes, i made my own term right there). Believe me, you'll soon started to see that the grass is greener on the other side.

So here i am, writing. There are countless of time where i sat in front of my laptop, checked on my blog and do nothing about it. I've shared so many things ( read : update) about what's happening to me on other social media platform (the one that i shut down) and it didn't satisfy me. I miss blogging so much, I miss the feeling of pushing the 'Publish' button and have my writing up on this small website of mine, without the need of scrolling to the news feed and see what other's is doing and thinking whether they'll like my post or not. So yeah, it's a different feeling of accomplishment. 

Anyway, i am currently enjoying a cup of hot mocha at some little cafe located in the State Library of Queensland with a friend of mine. Examination week is coming and my final assignment is due on 30th of October and it worth 50% of my final grade. Thus, i need to get my head in the game for now.

Worthy posts coming up soon!

Xx,
Belle.

8.4.14

Back.

Saying “Hello” is such an understatement.
Literally.
I suggest you to please take a moment to close this www.anizabelles.blogspot.com tab on your browser, wait for 5 minutes, open back your browser and type the address back in.


Now,
Take a deep breath, and exhale.
Because hey,
I myself somehow can't believe that..


I am back.
Writing.


It’s been a decade, I know. I (again) abandoned this beloved blog where I share all of the itsy bitsy lemon squeezi-eness of my train of thoughts. I’ve been dying to share and update the things that I went through. I know I shouldn’t blame time, but I also know that I’m going to blame it anyway.  So yeah, I blame time.

Here’s comes the cliché part : I honestly can’t live without writing.  However, I also can't live with my inability to choose which writings to post and to keep. It is always like that, and ends up like that.

I am currently at the Uni. Waiting for class, sitting on the corner of some building. Alone. Drinking coffee, and finally decided to post after spending almost one hour ONLY reading my “keep to self” writings on my laptop. But here’s what I found and I amazingly realised at the same time :

Everything has changed.
(But please don’t mistake it with Taylor Swift famous song. And don’t try to sing the words out. Thank you )


It’s beguiling somehow, when you found out that your point of view has changed within the last couple of months, when you realised that you no longer hold the beliefs that you hold on to, knowing that you have been biased all along, you are stuck in a box, and sealed with a tape. Then you realised that what you had thought all along never made any sense. It’s kind of sad. If I could, I would like to turn back time and shouted to the ‘oh so pessimistic yet know-it-all Anizabella’ that hey…. God have a better plan for you, and believe me, it’s beyond what you’ve expected. Why worry? Why bother?

In this post, I would like to post some of my unpublished writing. Of a former  thought of mine that some of you might also believed in. I’m not saying that I completely NOT believe in it right now (cos it was once my thought after all) but my point is, I am mesmerised of how my thoughts, yet completely has changed.

Here it goes.


Ebb and flow

It always happens like this, just like when you make coffee.  First, you crave for it. You’ve been thinking about it, how it made you feel, how it smells how it keeps you awake. Then you took a cup and make a hot Americano. 3 teaspoons of coffee, and 2 teaspoons of sugar. You know how to make it and how it would taste. You boil the water, and you’ve waited for it until it boils. You make those imagination in your head, how it smells, and the way you stir it. Then when the times right, you pour the boiling water into the cup, you stir them gently with grace, and you swiftly took a sip. And ouch—it burns your tongue. You stop sipping, put the glass down and start thinking about the pain it cause to your tongue. Until then you thought about letting them to cool down a bit, and left them on the table—untouched. While waiting for it, you do something else and oh—your favorite show was on tv. You decide to watch it and it turns out you enjoys it more than your coffee. Hours pass by, you forget to sip the coffee that has burned your tongue. You forget about it simply because it doesn’t make you feel good. The show does. You try to drink your ‘now-it is-cold’ coffee. And you decided that you don’t want it. You throw them away. And maybe—the next 3 to 4 days, you start wanting it again, simply by thinking about the fact how it made you feel, though you know the tv show did a lot better than a cup of coffee.

Its exactly how I feel about relationship.

You start wanting it when it’s not there. When it’s not within your reach. When it’s out of sight. Just for the sake how it made you feel. A flash of nostalgia. You know how it would feel when it’s there. So you hold on to it, you keep it in mind and never let go.

But when it comes within your reach, just before your eyes. You feel it, you are there to see it. You’re not wholly there. It’s not that you don’t want it, but it’s not what you expected. And it doesn’t feel like what you've been thinking about. It is different. Just like how hot coffee burns your tongue. So then you thought, It must have been you. It’s just a feeling. It’ll get better soon. you let it be. Let it be that way.

On the other hand, there something else that caught your attention. Something that worthwhile, something more engaging. It’s not that you ignore the fact that you ‘let it be that way’ –- but hey, this one’s is more interesting. It’s not that you don’t want to let the previous one go, it’s just that simply because—you realize you don’t really want it all along.

Exactly how I feel.
I don’t know what i want. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know how to let go or should I let go. Timing’s not right. It shouldn’t happen now. But I don’t know if I will ever got the feeling back again if i had the chance to feel it again.

Love is like that. Ebb and flow. Nothing really settle. Nothing really ever settle.


                                           -||-

I know some of you might agree or disagree.
But here’s what I know now:

I know what I want. I know what to feel. I know how to not let go. The timing’s right. It happens now. And I feel it --
i realize that all you have to do is this :
Expect nothing.

You'll never know that it's there all along. It's just on the tip of your nose. 
And when it's right. You'll know. You just know. 
And yes,
When it is settle,
You will never let it go. 
Boy,
You will never want to let go.


x,
Belle.

2.11.13

Perish

There are some words that I cannot fathom and assemble it to form a complete sentences. There are some words that I can’t even fit them into some of my writings. There are some situation that stops me from making a clear sentences that depict my emotion and what have been bothering my mind quite recently.

I guess this what happened every time I tried to post something here, undoubtedly just for the sake of updating. Please mind this update, cause I sort of drown into this melancholy feeling lately. My thoughts is eating me alive. It’s pathetic. But I solemnly swear I would never sort all of this things out without the help of my beloved friends.

And of course, by writing this down.

I’m not good in writing poetry or any kind of nice words. However I feel like just writing it down. Whatever you call it.




It happens in a flicker of an eye.
A tick before a tock.
A gust of cold wind
A flash of  bright light
A short period of time

It stays
Unnoticed
Blurred
Hidden
Sealed
Like a best kept secret

It swiftly unfold
Time after time
Days after days
Until you come to realize
Where does it come from
Where is it heading to
And why is it happening
Right in every time you meet those eyes

It takes some part of you away
You try to run and take it back
But it stays there
Keeps you longing
Wanting
Needing


It swiftly grow when it shouldn’t be
It swiftly stays where it shouldn’t be
It craves more than it should
And it expect
What it shouldn’t expect.

It comes to the moment when
The time knocks you on the head
It asks you to stop whatever you’re doing
It warns you to take a moment to look back
“Where you’ve gone so far?”
“Where do you want to be?”
“Do you see that huge wall standing in between  your way?”
“It’s restricted”
“You won’t be able to pass through. You’re not allowed to”

It left  you with two options
Go all the way there, climb, stay and be prepared to fall
Stop what you’re doing, let  it go, go back to where you were.
And stay there.
Then, you wouldn’t stumble.


Well then,

This is what I’ve heard :
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”

I’ve made up my mind.
I’ve made my decision


I guess,
I’ll see you some other time.




-Belle-



12.8.13

Quoted

Came upon this article on a random blog, and figured out that it's actually from thought catalog. Got the urge to post this on my blog, cause i couldn't agree more to what it said and i guess most of you will do the same. or maybe not.


I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But I question whether this is true or not.

I have been called the, “queen of not giving a shit.” One of my many talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were talking about boys and I quoted Almost Famous as my romance mantra, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.

I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long journey to returning to being okay.

But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that you’re fine even when you’re not.

What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “queen of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less.

When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?

So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks, let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.

-KOVIE BIAKOLO-



6.8.13

Moving Out & Staying In

A lot of things has been going on lately, i have tried my best to settle down and have finally breathe at last. So here i am, back from abandoning my blog for the hundredth of times.

First thing first,
Yes, I am moving to Brisbane, Australia for a couple of years, leaving all my beloved people in Jakarta. It's a sad truth but well it really is happening! I can't really contemplate how am i supposed to feel at the very first place cause a mixture of healthy and unhealthy feelings overwhelmed me. But anyhow, i managed to get all things together again, and able to work in my own two feet. So currently, i feel... awesome!

God has finally lead me to the best place to be, University of Queensland. To continue my study in dual degree program, hopefully i'm going to ace that on time! Amen. So currently, i am enjoying my third week in Brisbane, enjoying the breeze, foods, lectures, assignments, making a couple of new friends and such. I'm happy that my Uni has a lot to offer, i thank god cause so far, its worth it. The next thing i have to ace is graduated on time and make my parents proud :)

and Oh!
I'm also happy to join lots of clubs & associations here, other than the association of indonesian students, i also join the writer, psychology and coffee clubs! how cool is that? :-p

Luckily, i also have lovely friends & seniors that have become my own family here. So i guess, its all good.

Wish me the best of luck!!
next worthy post will be available soon! Promise!


have an awesum day!
xx

29.6.13

What time is it? Adventure Time!!

June is almost over, and there goes the holiday season. the long awaited holiday season.

This particular post that i'm posting might be a little bit different than my usual ones. i feel like introducing, or you can say letting you know... that my days are filled with watching numerous episodes of Adventure Time. It's very time consuming but it's worth it haha. It's an absurd cartoon aired on Cartoon Network everyday, and it have reached the maximum level of absurdity. Cartoon Network keep on repeating the season 4 while they are actually already on season 5. That is why, i prefer to keep track with their episodes on the net.. and i know that it is such an absurd thing to do :')

However, watching adventure time entertained me almost everyday. it's a good way to spend your afternoon at home, laughing. It surprised me how i am so entertained by that kind of cartoon and impressively amused by one of their character named Earl the Lemongrab.

Lemongrab is the most annoying character that you might find on Cartoon Network, i have no idea how Pendleton Ward (the creator of adventure time) come up with the idea of creating Lemongrab in the first place. He got this fluctuating scream of all time, he whines, and angry most of the time. However to be honest, i need more episodes of lemongrab. I just love him. His annoying voice and  attitude is one of the reason why i chose to consume my time by watching Adventure time.

I definitely need more Lemongrab episodes on Adventure time!!

so i guess it would be better if i attach one compilation video of Lemongrab. so then you could picture him perfectly :p


happy holiday!
xx
belle

20.6.13


So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

Happiness is easy.

Though you might not be able to count it or keep it permanently, but I guess it is so easy to achieve. Being able to do things that you really like and enjoy most either with or without company, even maybe just by doing nothing.

Funny how I found that the smell of fresh new bed sheets and blankets can make me happy, the sound of rain, a good aftertaste of a novel, dinner with your grandfather, or buying your favorite flower.

Happiness is THAT easy and THAT simple. I guess it depends on how you view it. As for me, it doesn’t have to be extraordinary or extravagant. It can be found in the simplest form. I feel grateful and thankful for that too.

I’m posting this because, well… it came across my mind a couple of minutes ago. I feel like posting it here and As usual, by stumbling upon a quote that I posted above. Decorating your own soul and plant your own gardens, make your self happy and contented! Rather than waiting and wailing for something to happen, or even someone to make it happen.

Happiness is within your reach.

Yes, It’s on the tip of your nose!


X,
B